she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
