FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
