I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
