I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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