Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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