So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
