I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
