you traded sex for a burrito?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize