please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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