All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
