I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
