Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize