Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
