Screwed.edu
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
