Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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