my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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