I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
