apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
