I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I want a musical about memes.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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