Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize