You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
