Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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