I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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