My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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