I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
