I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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