If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
