i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
