i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
