i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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