he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
