Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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