I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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