I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
