Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
