you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
