Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize