i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
