My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
