ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
