Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
