so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
