Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
