So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
