I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Randomize
