Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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