our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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