I wish I could teleport
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
