I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
