just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
