apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
