hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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