happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
