Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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