He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
