Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize