i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
