The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
