hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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