the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
